Here’s how some people may be
thinking about their occasional use of pornography, even the ‘soft’ variety: ‘Could it get worse? Nah, it couldn’t happen to me! I only buy a girly mag now and again, see a
few naughty movies, look at a bit of online porn sometimes, and yeah ok I sleep
around when I get lucky, but don’t all fellas?!!’ This is often the type of thinking many
people adopt, and perhaps many Christian men, when they want to excuse their
actions of all kinds and especially when it comes to their sex life; a kind of
‘well I don’t pursue it, not really, but
if it comes my way and I’ve not looked for it, then what’s the real harm?!’
In other words, my fellow blokes, guys,
fellas, pals, mates, amigos, comrades, barroom buddies and all, we often say
and even think we are honest in our intentions to be celibate, to be pure as
Christians, to be honest to God and all that, but in many fellas there is just
a twinge of dishonesty, a twinge of rebellion, a hint of hoping that something
or someone might just come along and make the decision for us, so that we are
exonerated from all blame, and then we can indulge can’t we?! This is how I operated when I went drinking
with my mates, not really looking for action, but kind of, sort of, secretly
hoping that someone might come along who I really liked that might like me
enough and… well you know the rest?! Are
we all for Jesus, really living for Him and being completely and radically
obedient to His will at all times, as much as is humanly possible, or are we
being obedient when it suits us or makes us feel good or makes us feel or look
religious and important, and just when we want to? If most people are honest, they will see
themselves somewhere in that statement.
Most of us, if not all, are prodigal sons and daughters, we waste our
calling, our money, waste precious time and God’s time and are not fit for
purpose, and then we come back, tails between our legs, begging to be forgiven
and filled with every excuse and reason for living in sin and licentiousness. Then, if we have any character at all left,
we just beg for forgiveness and throw ourselves on the mercy of the Lord. And I bet that many people who get caught up
in one addiction or ongoing sin or another often ask, ‘why can’t I be like the son who just did as he was told?’ when we
are the ones who didn’t do what we were told but gallivanted off to ‘do our own
thing’! It’s an old, old story that will
be well known to many of us.
What a wretch am I: unpitied,
storm tossed creature without hope and without peace! Indulging in porn makes me a sad, pathetic
person and disgusting… and afterwards it brings only emptiness and no peace
whatsoever, just a numbness inside, and also fear as well. I expect many people, whether mildly addicted
or severely addicted to viewing pornography, could see themselves in the above
statement. I have been mildly and
sporadically addicted to porn, mostly of the non-explicit variety, for many
years. Before the Internet, it was home
shopping catalogues. Sound
familiar?! Perhaps it does. I came to romance, girls and sex late in my
life and was in some ways quite innocent and backwards about all that stuff, even
though I did have an interest in girls, as some boys indeed do. But like many teenage boys, the idea of going
out with a girl, the idea of actually asking a girl out was so far off my radar
that it probably didn’t even occur to me.
Why worry about that when I could fantasise about girls when I went to
bed, if you know what I mean?! Of course
you do. But, let’s be deadly and
earnestly serious about this. I have
been a Christian since I was about thirteen; I started praying to Jesus because
I was troubled and this was because things were happening in my life that were
affecting me that I had no control over nor could have had really. Nothing utterly dreadful or utterly serious,
mid level stuff, but enough that I was troubled, so I began to pray and reach
out for help, to Jesus. I don’t come
from a Christian family or a Christian background of any kind, so when I prayed,
when I approached Jesus, there was no ritual, no denomination I was part of, no
preconceived notions of who He was, I just prayed because I was reading a
Gideon Bible I’d been handed at school, and at that time I had no one else to
turn to at all, so for some reason I just prayed, and slowly but surely I began
to feel comforted, above everything else and felt God’s real presence in my
life. When God proves He exists to you
like this, even in ways that can’t really be understood or explained, it is
then that you perceive God on a completely personal, individual and intimate
level. I think that until someone truly
understands that God exists, believes that He created the universe and
everything in it, that He has a purpose for those He calls, churchgoing, Bible
study, affiliation to a denomination, charitable works or any other religious
activity won’t have the same meaning without having a personal relationship
with Jesus and without putting God first, doing ‘religious’ things of all kinds
may have some value, and being busy in church activities may have some value,
but if God isn’t at the centre of it all, it may be, at best, somewhat beside
the point. However, and not to sound
rather slightly contradictory, if we put god first it is certain of course that
we will need fellowship with other Christians in a church or church group on at
least a weekly basis, we must get a Bible and make time to read it on a regular
basis and we need always, but always, to make time for regular prayer and
genuinely ask God into every area of our lives and to ask Him into the issues,
struggles and problems we might have. No
amount of any kind of religious activity will help us overcome the world or any
serious problem or serious addiction we have, unless we truly believe that God
will help us, and of course if we believe He will help us then we must truly
believe He exists. If you do not believe
in God, how can you really have any faith that He can save you? God is not an abstract idea or a religious
concept to make us feel better or superior or to keep us controlled by
religious hierarchies of some kind, He is a real being who can and will
transform your life completely for the better.
As for myself concerning
denomination, if asked I say I am not Catholic or Protestant, nor Methodist or
Seventh Day Adventist or indeed any such thing, not arrogantly or to stand out,
but simply because I just do not come from any Christian tradition or any
Christian background as I said, and so for me it just isn’t that important to
attach myself to a particular brand of Christianity, I will simply say I am a
Christian, a follower of Jesus, who tries to serve Him on a daily basis.
The constant desire to be
entertained in some way, and the constant desire not to be bored, having the
newest food, film, game, the latest technology, in fact the constant desire for
something new can be part of the malaise of addiction, or which can lead to a
kind of spiritual dissatisfaction. It is
a malady that in the past probably only affected wealthy people and the
aristocracy and royalty when they had power and influence, and time and money
to indulge their hearts desire and any and every whim they wished to
fulfil. The mantra today might be
choice, and the opportunity to indulge for even those who are not particularly
wealthy. So many people must have the
latest, the newest, enjoy the most exciting thing, experiences, holiday
destination, the most up-to-date mobile (cell) phone or TV or BluRay player or
whatever is flavour of the month. When
someone does get everything and anything their heart desires, they can become
bored with everything eventually, and when people don’t get all they want, they
can become frustrated. It is then
perhaps that people can drift into other things which may not be helpful at
all, and even downright destructive in many ways. In fact, or so I have come to believe, the
constant demand to keep being thrilled and excited everyday is not realistic;
some days and experiences have to be gloriously mundane, everyday, boring even. An addiction may in some cases be a cry for
help and a desire for spiritual solace and peace, or more likely a lack of
spiritual solace and peace. But whichever
way you look at it, trying to find happiness or meaning through any serious
addiction or dangerous obsession is one of the worst things spiritually you can
do. Rather than finding peace, freedom
and happiness, you will only dig yourself deeper and deeper into a hole that
the longer you dig the harder it will be to get out of. But Jesus brings hope of escape, and brings
true freedom. ‘"Come to me, all you who are
weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in
heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."’ (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)
When you hit rock bottom with
porn addiction, when you realise you can’t go any lower however that comes
about; through fear of what God might do, through disgust, through the
realisation that you are a pathetic individual, through any other number of
things that might be at the back of a person’s mind, when you hit rock bottom
and feel like s**t, the worst you may have ever felt and your world has fallen
apart, it’s then most people feel numb with it all and wish for everything just
to go away, or to disappear somewhere else: ‘And I say, 'Who will give me wings
like a dove, to fly away and find rest? How
far I would escape, and make a nest in the desert!’ (Psalm 55:6-7 NJB) Eventually when you decide you have had enough
and you are going to struggle against it, it is then that you see how the
desire overwhelms you and actually torments you, and the power of sin is truly
felt and understood when we actually decide to fight against those sinful
desires. ‘But every time I do what I do not
want to, then it is not myself acting, but the sin that lives in me. So I find this rule: that for me, where I want
to do nothing but good, evil is close at my side. In my inmost self I dearly love God's law, but
I see that acting on my body there is a different law which battles against the
law in my mind. So I am brought to be a
prisoner of that law of sin which lives inside my body. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me
from this body doomed to death? God -
thanks be to him - through Jesus Christ our Lord. So it is that I myself with my mind obey the
law of God, but in my disordered nature I obey the law of sin.’ (Romans 7:20-25 NJB)
When you are going through hell,
keep going they say. Your emotions may
literally be all over the place; you may be up one minute or for a time, and
then be in complete despair the next.
You may feel strong and above it all, and then suddenly feverish with
desire. You may feel cast adrift and
blown wherever the wind or the mood takes you, and then you may genuinely get
some self control and tough it out. In
all of it, I suggest most urgently, you pray to God and tell Him everything,
and simply ask for His help wholeheartedly.
There is no place for pride or
niceties here, this is a deadly earnest battle we have to wage. We may have to fight for every inch of
territory, so we must be prepared for this.
The British SAS have a motto: ‘Who Dares Wins.’ We have to dare to challenge our deepest
brokenness, our most sacred sins and our overwhelming lusts to win a pure heart
and pure mind and live like Jesus, far beyond the ‘normality’ of the world and
all its disordered desires. ‘Only be
strong and stand very firm and be careful to keep the whole Law which my
servant Moses laid down for you. Do not
swerve from this either to right or to left, and then you will succeed wherever
you go. Have the book of this Law always
on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may carefully keep
everything that is written in it. Then
your undertakings will prosper, then you will have success. Have I not told you: Be strong and stand
firm? Be fearless and undaunted, for go
where you may, Yahweh your God is with you.' (Joshua 1:7-9 NJB) And Joshua merely said ‘…as for me and my house, we will
serve the LORD.’ (Joshua
24:15 KJV)
Here are some reasons why viewing
even the ‘mildest’ lads mag porn is wrong and plain sinful:
First off, before all else it is wrong because
you are being disobedient to God. All
sin starts with the premise that you are firstly disobeying God.
You may be looking at women (or men!) on the
street, where you work, shop or in coffee bars or pubs, or at college or
university, and wondering if they have the same perfect bodies and what they
would be like undressed. In short, you
are becoming a pervert.
You may be comparing the ‘perfect’ babes (men or
women) you see in mags and so on, with your girlfriend or wife or fiancé, or
just female friends and comparing them unfavourably to the one dimensional
beauties you ogle. But you are comparing
fantasy to reality.
There may well be a desire to see more explicit
stuff, and a desire to spend more time viewing the porn as well. What may have started out as ‘a bit of fun’
in leisure, may well become a serious obsession, an addiction that becomes like
the darkest foulest prison cell.
Whatever you are doing, or viewing, especially
if it is explicit or questionable, would you want your wife, your friends, your
neighbours, your work colleagues and anyone else to know? I’m guessing you wouldn’t.
It can and will probably be an
almighty struggle, a struggle which you have to ask the Almighty into, because
if you don’t you will keep failing. And it is possible that within yourself and
to God you are deadly serious about giving up viewing porn or indulging your
sex addiction or lusts in any and every way, but that you fall in a moment of
weakness, in spite of all the best will in the world; it happens to the best of
us. But DO NOT use a slip up or
momentary fall as an excuse to indulge or binge. Get on your knees and ask God explicitly for
forgiveness and help, pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over
again straightaway.
‘Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is
honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever
is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of
praise, think about these things. Keep
on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in
me, and the God of peace will be with you.’ (Philippians 4:8-9 NRSV) As well as asking God into the problem or
addiction, it might be good to find something that you like to do or have
always wanted to do, and developing wholesome interests that take your mind off
the problem and out of yourself. This
could cover any number of things and need not cost lots of money or have to
take up lots of time or be anything complicated or too involving either. Most people have hobbies of all kinds and no
doubt for all kinds of reasons. I
couldn’t possibly list everything that anyone could do, but I would suggest
that whatever you might wish to do, it is something that you actually enjoy,
something that you can afford and that doesn’t actually stress you out. It could also just be making time for
yourself and actually resting in God’s peace.
Having too much time on your hands can definitely be a problem, but also
can being too busy be a problem as well, because time on your hands can be a
bad thing but being too busy can create stress which people might want to find
a release from. Life I have come to
believe is all about balance, and if we get out of balance too much we may fall
off the narrow path. At times, it may
feel like we are balancing on a tightrope like Houdini where we have to
concentrate on God far in front of us, and ever mindful of the dangers and
pitfalls that lie below if we aren’t careful to keep our footing and think
about each step we make. If we look
down, we are not keeping our eyes on God, and if we keep our eyes on God, we
may fear that we won’t see what pitfalls we want to avoid. But it is better to focus on God ever in
front of us rather than on where and how we might fall. This is the difference between focussing on
God, and focussing on our faults. It is
the difference between living by grace, and living by the law. It is, in fact, walking by faith in God and
trusting in Him completely. This
separates the true believer from someone who just pays lip service to
Christianity, or claims to be a Christian for any other reason other than they
wish to serve Jesus and follow Him wherever He takes them. And obviously if you have faith in God, you
must believe in Him.
Anyway, I tend to have a number
of interests that I enjoy doing when I have the time and inclination, I like to
read, play the guitar, listen to a LOT of all different kinds of music from
Gregorian chants to Cool Jazz to Jimi Hendrix and everything in between, I
watch TV selectively and enjoy history programs and food and cookery shows and
I am also a reasonably good self taught cook and like to dabble in different
cuisines, and I enjoy taking photographs on my travels now and again. I like to get out to places when I have the
time, inclination and the money as well and love to go on long solitary walks
on holiday too. Some might call that
boring, but I find it invigorating and I certainly need that time and space
completely on my own where no one knows me and I am anonymous at least for a
time anyway. Not that I am anti-social,
in fact far from it, but at times I need space away from everything I know and
where there is only me, God and open spaces; or quaint towns at least! I am a creative person, whether any of my
ideas are actually any good or not, and perhaps some of my frustration in life
is that I have not had any real outlet for getting my ideas to a wider audience
although that seems to be changing slightly now. I ask God into this too. So, I could add all kinds of things anyone
could do that may make their life that bit pleasanter like learning a musical
instrument, taking a college course where there are usually so many courses to
choose from in all kinds of subjects and, like many people, if you develop a
love of reading that is possibly the best way to educate yourself on a million
and one subjects. The point is to use
some of your spare time in wholesome pursuits; that also means making time for
God, saying effective prayers by being honest to God, and reading the Bible
too.
One of the curious things about
being a Christian is often the skewed perception non-Christians have about you
and Christianity in general as well.
There is also it seems many people who don’t own a Bible and have never
read one either, but who can proceed to give chapter and verse from a version
of the Bible I’ve never read and then make all kinds of statements along the
lines of “But doesn’t God say that?” and “But I heard the Bible says this?”
from a book they’ve never read and have no intention of reading! But somehow, these ideas about Christians,
Christianity, the Bible and of course God are accepted without question or
distorted or exaggerated in some way, almost always in some way negatively,
like the stereotype of the Bible bashing wild eyed fundie or the judgmental
accusing holier-than-thou type who is so perfect they can look down on all who
are not perfect and condemn them. There
are many others too, perhaps the English one is someone rather genteel, rather
unctuous in tone, rather respectable and Middle class, suburb dwelling,
affluent and already a rather nice person with no troubles or issues with one
foot already seemingly in Heaven! It’s a
stereotype that gets mixed up with how people from other countries think all
English people are anyway, and with how Christians and especially vicars are or
certainly were portrayed in TV programs, comedies and sitcoms on British
TV. It’s usually a dull, uninspiring,
slightly dippy and almost always an otherworldly, well spoken and posh
portrayal. But, is it true? Is any stereotype really true? We can easily fit other people into
stereotypes, but does anyone see themselves as a stereotype? Well, do you?
The issue I am really getting at is the notion that Christians, every
one of us, are somehow all the same, all similar attitudes, all speak the same,
all boring or at least bland, with no problems, religious stereotypes filled
with platitudes and seeing the world through rose tinted specs. Sound familiar?! I guess it might. But, the reality is that Christians, perhaps
I might say those who accept the Lordship of Jesus Christ and wish to be His
best mate (best friend, main man, numero uno amigo, bestest buddy etc) and
develop an intimate relationship with Him, are no more stereotypes than anyone
else is a stereotype either. Also, and
far more importantly, there seems to be the idea that Christians have perfect
lives, are constantly nice, constantly without problems, and go around with a
permanent fixed perhaps rather superior smile; such a person doesn’t have
problems do they, and to even admit to a sexual addiction or porn problem would
be beyond the pale!!! But, and here’s
where reality smashes all the preconceptions and stereotypes, many of the
people who admit struggling with sex and porn issues are Christians, and that
includes many Christian women. I think
this is because Christians are meant to be honest about their struggles, need
and must acknowledge their struggles to at least one completely trustworthy
Christian, cannot live in any kind of sin and must struggle against it pro-actively
any and every way they can. This means
that we let our brothers and sisters in Jesus in on our struggles so that they
understand we have a weakness, can truly empathise, pray for us and offer
genuine heartfelt help with no ulterior motives other than we care about each
other and as Christians we also understand that it’s very likely that everyone
of us has some kind of struggle, however mild or extreme, even if that struggle
may be different; or not as the case may be. It is also a requirement for practising
Christians, those who truly are of the faith, to remain celibate until they are
married which even many Christians find difficult in theory and practise. What God is saying is that we cannot and must
not have sex with anyone outside of a heterosexual marriage (and I mean your
own spouse, not someone else’s!!!) we are in, and that your marriage partner is
the only person you can have sex with your whole life. In this present age we live in, where
everything is disposable, or here today and gone tomorrow, or where inevitably
a newer model come along, like the latest TV or PC or i-pod or game console or
car, and so on and so on, we are so used in every area of our lives to seeing
something new come along, to see progression, a new cuisine, the latest music, to
be excited by something new and to have the next big thing and latest thrill,
that we can get bored easily and be constantly seeking new things, without
really appreciating what gifts both spiritual and material God has always given
us, and that includes the people, family and friends in our lives that at times
we might take completely for granted.
Where people are concerned, we cannot upgrade them or swap them for the
latest model.
I never came to church
(eventually) because I was some holy or ultra religious kind of person, nor did
I come because I liked the idea of singing hymns or listening to a sermon and
certainly not to be around perfect judgmental holier-than-thou types who would
either be shocked at being near such a fallen sinner like me with a mixed bag
of struggles, emotional damage and a sense of rage and hurt and injustice, or
would feel the need to patronise and feel superior because of course
churchgoers don’t have any problems do they?!
Again, the reality is that I looked for a church where I could get help
with my struggle because I knew that without seeking Christian help in a church
that reaches out to people who are struggling in some way, my problem would
remain a problem without a solution and will keep coming back. I joined a church with a Twelve Step Recovery
program, not because I wanted to do Christian things or sing hymns or be part
of any denomination, but because I needed help from people who wouldn’t judge
me simply because everyone else has a problem too; well, if you can’t beat ‘em
you might as well join ‘em! So I joined
a church not to be part of a socially exclusive club for the better sort, or
because I am some perfect person wanting to join a mutual appreciation society
or anything like that, which often is what many people in the UK seem to feel
many churches are, I joined because I was crying out for help and wanted to do
something instead of hoping it would all somehow go away. God may indeed be calling addicted and deeply
broken people of all kinds to Him, those who may be marginalised, suffering,
feel hopelessly lost and blown this way and that by their emotions and just the
slings and arrows of outrageous fortune which none of us are immune to.
You may have reasons why you are
addicted to sex or pornography or have issues that you feel you need to come to
terms with. God will bring you to an
understanding and acceptance that you may have underlying issues of why you
have a sex or porn addiction. Perhaps
there are underlying issues or unresolved issues of some kind, behind all sex
and porn addictions. In the end though,
there can be no excuse for using any
issue as a reason or green light to indulge and get deeper and deeper into sin,
because no matter how innocuous what you are doing may seem or how trivial, it
is not a trivial matter to God at all.
God does not want you to view
any porn or act on a fantasy or sex addiction, He doesn’t even want you to ogle
lustfully at another person. Continue to
practise any sin habitually and there
will eventually be a price to pay.
You will have to fully lean on God to struggle against this problem, and
I am seeing that this problem which has crushed my spirit almost completely and
brought me to maybe the lowest I have ever felt, may actually be a stepping
stone to a genuinely more intimate relationship with God, provided of course
that we are serious about giving up and earnestly fighting against this
addiction in every way we can. ‘If your
right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your
body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut
it off and throw it away. It is better
for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.’ (Matthew 5:29-30 NIV) Of course, we need to pro-actively fight
against this, but when we do and God knows we are serious, He will do the
fighting for us. ‘Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged,
for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.’ (Joshua 1:9 NIV)
I can say one of my problems in
life has been mood swings, and often my inability to keep on an even keel
emotionally. If I felt good I would get
carried away with that and feel positive and hopeful, but if I felt down I
would be depressed and negative, and allow myself to be dictated to by how I
felt. Now of course, if you feel good
you should be positive and hopeful, and if you feel down you probably don’t
want to go around pretending everything is just chipper. I slowly began to understand that we can’t
really control our emotions, nor should we ignore them either, but we can control our reaction to them. At the same time we should pray that God
heals us from depression and the worst of mood swings. There are going to be times in our lives
where we will feel depressed or under the weather and times where we will be
carefree and happy. Rather than
anticipating a time of sadness or waiting for a time of peace and happiness, we
should simply put it all in the Hands of God and ask Him to help us face with
good grace whatever happens to us in life.
We should be emotionally balanced in life, not giving in to mood swings,
neither too down or too deliriously high, but just right. We may indeed be on stormy seas but we have a
shipmate aboard who can even calm the stormiest waters of our lives. ‘A great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the
boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. But he was in the stern, asleep on the
cushion; and they woke him up and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care
that we are perishing?" He woke up
and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" Then the wind ceased, and there was a dead
calm. He said to them, "Why are you
afraid? Have you still no faith?"’ (Mark 4:37-40 NRSV)
One of the books I read on this
topic suggested that when you are struggling against it you need a plan of
action. I wrote a plan of action but
also later thought of everything I could that might help me in this
struggle. Here’s the full list but they
are suggestions rather than a full plan of action. I suggest you make your own plan of action to
tackle this problem, probably at most ten of the suggestions, but whatever gets
you through the day, hey?!
Ask God into everything, and tell Him all your
fears and concerns. Ask for forgiveness. Ask God into the struggle EVERYDAY,
throughout the day, especially if feeling overwhelmed by strong feelings of
lust or images or fantasies, or the desire to view porn. I may say that now you must begin to put God
first in everything as par the course.
No late night Internet surfing. No Internet surfing when tired or especially
when bored. EVER.
Sort out your PC in any and every way. This means adding filter software if you have
to, and placing the PC if at all practicable in a place where other people can
see what you are doing online. If the
Internet is a serious problem, maybe disconnect while you are using it for
something else, or get a cheap laptop without Internet access to use for other
things.
No ‘googling’ even seemingly innocuous things
like ‘pretty women’ or ‘pretty girls’, ‘Italian women’ or anything like
that. It can be a slippery slope.
Just because you see something by accident or
think of something, doesn’t mean you have to act on it. But pray about it always in any event. Take it all to God.
Learn to literally avert or ‘bounce’ your eyes
from anything or anyone that may hit your switch, so to speak! This means being aware of who and what you
are looking at. Let your wife or
girlfriend do her own underwear shopping!
Seriously, learn to discreetly and purposefully keep your eyes off
anything at all questionable and anything at all that may arouse you.
Ask God to bring you to wholehearted repentance,
and if you are filled with shame then let it be to keep away from what is
shameful.
Think about what you watch on TV, the
Internet, read in books and whatever else you do. You have to be brutally, radically and
totally honest about this.
Take this issue extremely seriously; God
does. There is no acceptable porn. Anything that gratifies or stokes desire is
wrong. Unless you see it as the serious
problem it is, or just hope it goes away, you will keep failing and it
will remain an ongoing problem.
It
would be wise to seek out an accountability partner, someone you can totally
trust that you can confide in and even seek guidance from. Being accountable means that you have to be
honest about the struggle but not graphic, explicit or specific. That you have a problem is the most
important issue.
Fight
the issue on all fronts, as much as is humanly possible and with
complete honesty and to be done with it completely. You must fight with every weapon
available.
Ask
God to make you disciplined and radically obedient to His will, and
wholehearted in your desire to flee completely, resist completely and even at
times bear the feelings you might get from time to time. You may get overwhelming feelings and desires
to indulge your addiction. Be prepared
for this!
Ask
God to specifically develop for you a strong prayer life, regular Bible study
and reflecting on the scriptures and a genuine Christian to confide in. You will need fellowship, and for Christians
who don’t go to church, you must think about this next step seriously.
Do
not just flee the problem, run to God and take all to Him as well.
You
may have to fight for every square inch of territory, but God will go ahead of
you and do the fighting if you ask Him.
Be
aware: as God forgives and is merciful, He also punishes!!! If you habitually give in to sin, without a
concerted effort to stop and struggle against it, God may abandon you to
it. And there may be ramifications, in
many ways, for what sin you are indulging in.
There will be a price to pay if you habitually practice sin and
give in without a serious fight. Do you
want to be known as a pervert or lecherous sleazebag, at worst end up breaking
up a marriage or ending up in trouble with the police and perhaps being
imprisoned? Do you want to face the
terrible wrath of the Lord? ‘It is a
dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.’ (Hebrews
10:31 NIV)
You
must be pro-active in this fight, and when it ceases to be a serious
problem for you, you must continue to be pro-active in living completely
as a Christian, asking God into every area of your life, and then developing
and maintaining a completely intimate relationship with Jesus.
Get
rid of everything that may make you fall, as much as is practicably
possible, and you have to be radically, brutally and ruthlessly honest about
this. Also, if you have a wife or long
term girlfriend or fiancé, you have to let her know you have a problem here and
suggest what should be done. Emphasise
the seriousness, but again, no need to be graphic or specific at all. If you’re a woman, the same thing applies.
Be
aware of triggers. A recurring
fantasy, a particular picture or something which makes you move towards what is
sinful is a problem. Whatever your
weakness is, pray about it and confess to Jesus privately.
Find
wholesome hobbies, pastimes and diversions to fill your free time, however much
or little you have.
First
and last, ask God into everything, every situation, every problem, every
failure and ask Him for His help.
Without His help, you will fail.
These are some things you might
like to think about. Re-read it a few
times and let them sink in. Some may not
apply to you, whereas a number will apply to everyone. Culpability is also an issue here.
Here’s a prayer you might like to pray:
Lord,
heal me of all these sinful and aberrant desires of all kinds and the desire to
view pornography,
And
make me clean and whole and pure,
And
at the same time make me disciplined, completely obedient to your will
And
give me strong self control in this area,
Amen.
It’s been said that most men live
lives of quiet desperation and many of us struggle to make sense of our lives,
on top of the fact we have to make our headway in the world like everyone else. We don’t have to live like that, we don’t
have to struggle forever with addictions and we don’t have to be living in the
detritus and mess of our past either. We
can be free, truly free, and though we may have issues of rejection and even
anger towards the opposite sex for the way we have been treated, Jesus can free
us from that anger, that hurt and that pain, and as He forgives us for our sin
and disobedience, He will also help us to forgive others who have hurt us and help
us live a life without feelings of anger or vengeance and teaching us to deal
more constructively and more positively with the letdowns and hurts and
people-problems that will inevitably come our way now and again. We don’t have to see every negative thing
that happens as a crisis, nor when someone hurts us, even purposefully and
maliciously, as a reason to fall into despair and anger or even an excuse to
indulge in self hatred or hating other people, or falling back into any type of
negative ‘security blanket’ which means that you are dealing it with it in
completely the wrong way, instead of letting God into it. I am talking from personal experience here as
I still have a problem with women and rejection and a number of failed romances
that either fizzled out or never even started.
I still hurt from some of these experiences and I have to ask God into them or I might go off the rails in some way. I have a long road to travel, but each day I
am a little closer to real freedom and a little further away from an unhappy,
chaotic, purposeless and drifting existence that was going from one often
unhappy situation to another. That, at
least, has changed. I do have a purpose
in life now.
‘"For I know the plans I have
for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to
you. You will seek me and find me when
you seek me with all your heart. I will
be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from
captivity. I will gather you from all
the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord,
"and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into
exile."’ (Jeremiah
29:11-14 NIV)